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Heart to Heart with Hillary


 September 22, 2018 - September 28, 2018

Dear Hillary,

I don’t know if you have time to sit down with your glass of champagne and chocolates to watch the soap movies in the evening. As I read my book and my lady friend is watching these movies I can’t help but notice how these movies give the wrong, or maybe the right impression of Thai people in the land of smiles. They are nearly always screaming at each other or slapping one another round the face and very vindictive. Are most of the Thai wealthy people this callous and two faced, if they are they have a lot to learn. I hope the young children who watch these movies don’t think this is the way of life. I do enjoy your Heart to Heart column and if I am able to save a few baht I will send you champagne and chocolates.



Dear Ian,

I am very sorry to be so slow in replying but I have only just found your letter under a pile of other stuff, which is dated March 2014. Which explains why no champagne or chocolates! Your observation about the violence in Thai soaps is still valid today. However, you are a farang and shouldn’t be watching them anyway. They’re not made for you! The sweet and gentle image of saffron really does not show Thailand, but neither do the screaming soaps.


Dear Hillary,

Will you still be here in 2019? I enjoy your bits each week and the advice is sometimes right on. A few weeks back somebody said you should get a raise from your editor and I reckon so. You are doing a public service so you should get the top dollar. All the ones in the US like Oprah get big money, so you should too. Keep up the good work and all the best with the boss.



Dear Hughie,

Aren’t you just the nicest man! Comparing poor little Hillary with the mighty Oprah! However there are some differences between us, you know. She’s in America, for one! My Petal, if Hillary could get even 10 percent of Oprah’s salary, I’d be on the next plane to Milan for some new threads, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about creatures like letter writers lusting after my flower prints. Every time I hang them out on the line I have to be just so careful when the knicker man is around. Nicks ‘em. Gone, and my undies. He’s a terrible man. You worry me though, when you say you “enjoy my bits” each week. What “bits” are we talking about here? Some of my bits are never discussed here in the column. This is a family newspaper Hughie, and anyway, you’d never get to see them either. As far as a raise is concerned, I’ll show your letter to the editor, but he’ll probably just think I made it up, just as some people think I dream up people. That’s no dream, it’s a nightmare, and some of the damned things are so long and are handwritten! Life’s hard some days!


Dear Hillary,

I was very interested to read your advice to Valentino a few weeks ago and wondered if perhaps you could help me too. I have a British motorcycle (a Triumph) and I park it in the garage when I go off shore. I have noticed that when I come back these days, it no longer leaks oil on the garage floor. I have my suspicions that my wife has given it to a Thai boyfriend, and the motorcycle is staying at his place while I’m away. Why she would do this is beyond me as I give her everything she wants, gold chains and everything. I really cannot think of any other reason for the garage floor to be so clean. Do you think the seals have taken up, or what is happening? Is there another logical answer?



Dear Nick,

Just what have I brought on my head this time? Now it’s a motorcycle clinic! No, my Petal, the seals on your Triumph have not taken up. Good British bikes always leak oil, so there is a simple answer for you. Have you checked the level of oil in the crankcase? For a logical answer, I think you will find there is no oil left. That is the only feasible explanation with your British bike. Unless it was made in Japan, whereupon it is really a copy bike! Check the serial numbers, Poppet. And talk to the nice man at the motorcycle shop, not Hillary. You could of course, try locking it up while you are away. A good heavy chain, like the gold one your wife wears, with a strong combination lock, should be enough to keep it in the garage, and you will see if the drip is from the motorcycle, or perhaps it is you. By the way, you’re not the phantom knicker knicker are you?

September 15, 2018 - September 21, 2018

Dear Hillary,

Is this a common problem with Thai women? My Thai girlfriend is always very friendly when I am here in Pattaya, but when I go back to England she does not write too often and is even fairly cool in her emails sometimes, especially if I have asked her what she is doing. I send her eight thousand baht a month, so I reckon I have the right to ask. What do you think, Hillary? Do you think I should get an investigator to follow her for a while? I really don’t want to be spending money on someone who doesn’t give me the value in return.


Dear Bob,

What do you expect for 8,000 baht a month Petal? A girlfriend or a long distance slave? Have you also ever stopped to consider that it might be very difficult for her to write to you in English? She is probably having to get someone else to write her side of the emails. Hillary is quite sure you don’t write to her in Thai, do you? So here she is, using her 8,000 baht allowance on internet time and probably having to get a translator to sit in with her as well - and they cost money too. And what does she get in return, my disbelieving Bob? Letters to Hillary asking if you should get her tailed by a Private Dick. Time to grow up Baby Bob. You don’t own anybody ever, and you certainly don’t buy loyalty for 8,000 baht a month. 8,000 baht a month doesn’t even keep Hillary in champagne and chocolates! (I wish).


Dear Hillary,

My husband’s job involves him in many social engagements. Unfortunately, at one of these functions I had a little too much to drink (it’s all free at these events) and my husband had to take me home in a hurry. Anyway now my husband says it is better that I don’t go to these parties, so I get left at home with a bottle of wine for company. Should I insist on going with him next event, or let him go on his own? I could ring his boss, but not sure if that is the done thing around here?


Dear Wallflower,

You admit that you did drink too much at the party, and that is a no-no for company wives. I wouldn’t ring his boss, as it is most likely that it is he who is telling your husband that you are banned. Company wives have a difficult role, but you’ve fallen at the first hurdle I fear. Wait a while and don’t keep a bottle of wine at home. I think you might have a problem, my Petal.


Dear Hillary,

I am 38 years old and have been in Thailand for six years and have had quite a few Thai girlfriends in that time (both long time and short time). When I first arrived I was blown away by the beauty of the Thai girls and I was forever walking around seeing more and more attractive girls everywhere I looked. However, I have noticed that I am getting excited over the European girls I see in the city and they are becoming more and more desirable every day. Problem is, I don’t know how to approach them. Thai girls make it easy, European girls do not. Where do I go from here? Do you think I have a problem Mrs Hillary?


Dear EU,

Yes, Petal, you do have a problem. Part of your problem is an excess of circulating hormones and the other part is your believing that the grass in the next field is always greener than the one you are in. Bottle the hormones; you’ll need them later when you are older. As far as hopping over the fence into the next field - that is entirely up to you, but do be careful you don’t snag any parts of your undercarriage on the barbed wire. By the way it’s Miss Hillary, thank you!


Dear Hillary,

I have noticed that up-market restaurants have some young person trying to drag you inside. I find it turns me off the place, rather than make me want to eat there. This behavior seems to happen with many restaurants along Second Road and Beach Road, and even is now happening in Jomtien. Why do they do this, as surely they would be better off serving at the tables inside the restaurant? Can you tell me why, as nobody else seems to know the answer?

Picky Eater

Dear Picky Eater,

These people are called “Greeters” in the trade, and their job is just as you said: to entice people inside. Like all people in jobs anywhere, some are better at it than others. The good ones make you feel honored that you have been “chosen” to come into their restaurant, while the not so good make you want to run away. Just take it all in your stride and go and eat at the places you want to go to. With hundreds restaurants in Pattaya, there’s enough to go round. Check Miss Terry Diner’s Dining Out column each week for different places to go.

September 8, 2018 - September 14, 2018

Dear Hillary,

I love your column, but it always amazes me that so many Brits fall for the same traps. I come here with my wife every year for three months and we of course don’t spend our time in the bars as there are so many good things to see or do. How the traffic is going to handle the new 21 shopping center, complete with its own jet plane in the car park, I don’t know. Our friends back home don’t believe us. Getting back to my question, my wife suggests that there should be a warning on the airline tickets, maybe using your wise words?

Albert and Maddy

Dear Albert and Maddy,

What a lovely couple you are, worrying about the young lads on their holidays. Do the warnings on cigarette packets really work? The same would go for warnings on airline tickets I think. There have been many books written with warnings about falling in love with a Thai lady, but like the fag packet warnings, do they actually get read? No, I think that for the young lads Pattaya is just another step towards maturity. A step they will remember all their lives. So, if they lose a little money on the way, does it really matter? You get nothing for nothing.


Dear Hillary,

Where do you suggest I take my Thai GF for dinner? She is an up-country girl so not used to haute cuisine, but I’d like to take her somewhere she will enjoy for her birthday, but not too expensive either.


Dear Hamish,

What a lovely Scottish name. And a lovely Scottish tight hand on the sporran. Or wherever you Scottish people keep your money. Hamish, my Petal, your lovely girl from Isaan is used to sitting on the floor, sharing the curries and rice, and not Canadian lobster. If she invites a couple of friends, you are looking at spending 200 baht on food, and 1,000 baht on Thai whisky. Cheap enough for you? You can always go chasing balloons for a really top night if the balloons are too exy.


Dear Hillary,

I read that the owners of the big flashy massage parlor in Bangkok have been sent to jail for peddling prostitution. Are they kidding? If some randy old blokes want to indulge, surely it is better in an upmarket surroundings than a grubby suburban back street knocking shop?


Dear Confused,

Yes you have got yourself confused, Petal. They got put away for promoting under-age prostitution, and that was under 15 years old, not for the “shop” itself. The idea of a “happy ending” is something between the masseuse and the client and is between two consenting adults, and as far as I know does not break the law, but then I’ve never been in Victoria’s Secret Massage, so it can remain “secret”.


Dear Hillary,

I read with interest an article in headed “Good Old Days”. It contained an extract from a home economics textbook printed in the 60’s “The Good Wife Guide”. I was hoping that you could have the text translated into Thai and reprinting it in a future Pattaya Mail. My motives are entirely honorable. I merely intend to have the Thai transcript of the guide enlarged into poster size and hung up on my wall so that my Thai wife can read it every time she forgets the reason she was put on this planet. Thanks Hillary. An instruction manual for the after dinner entertainment might be useful as well. There’s more to it than a muffled moan during congress.

PS. I think the Thai poster version would sell like hot cakes!

Honorable Neil 

Dear Honorable Neil,

A real MCP (left over from the 70’s) otherwise known as a Male Chauvinist Pig! Neil, my precious Petal, you don’t honestly think Hillary is going to support this cause, do you? I will ignore the reference to “my boss” as Hillary is a self-determining lady of uncertain years, and as such, doesn’t have a “boss”. But really, do you expect your Thai wife to spend the finale for the day planning your evening needs? Come on, Neil. However, if your wife is not giving a “small moan ... to indicate enjoyment” during the act of “congress” then perhaps it’s your technique that is lacking. Perhaps an instruction book in English, rather than your poster in Thai might be a better plan.


Dear Hillary,

I am sure that you must make up some of the letters in your column because surely people are not that silly. What I want to know is just how do you dream up the subject matter? Do you study other agony aunt columns or what? Do you get your inspiration from real life? Tell me and I promise not to tell a single solitary soul.

The Enquirer

Dear Enquirer,

Are you suggesting Hillary makes up this drivel? Sorry, Poppet, Hillary couldn’t possibly make up letters as silly as yours. So you think people aren’t that silly - well think again - you are one of them, my little turtle dove. Don’t take this too hard, but when you have passed puberty you must write to me again.

Update September 1, 2018 - September 7, 2018

Dear Hillary,

My Thai GF talks all the time. I can hardly get a word in edgeways. She is always going on about what would I do if a) b) or c) were to happen. When I’m in the car I can never get her to stop, even when I say I’m busy in the traffic. Do all Thai women yak yak so much?



Dear Reg,

I’m sorry I can’t really reply to your email because I’m talking to the girl next door… Come on my Petal, you know what Thai women are like. Tell her you’ll give her 500 baht if she stops talking for 5 minutes. Or go into another room, and tell her why. That is the easiest question I’ve had to answer all week.


Dear Hillary,

Money again. She’s a great girl and I like her a lot and she says she would be happy to come and live with me. I almost said “Let’s go.” But she followed that up with, “How much you going to give me?” Do they all expect to be paid? I mean I would be supplying everything – home, food and suchlike. She has a good job in an office so wouldn’t need to pay out for a living and eating. And then wants an allowance on top. Is this usual in this country?



Dear Will,

Have you ever heard of a Mia Chow? That translates into a “rented wife”. She is just using you as a free meal ticket no doubt ‘till someone with more money turns up. Not to be confused with a “Mia Noi” who is a rented girlfriend (but you pay the rent anyway)! You get nothing for nothing in Pattaya.

Dear Hillary,

This query comes from a farang thinking about buying a house and land up country. I know it’s supposed to be impossible, but my lawyer says it can be done through a company. My GF could hold the majority of the Thai shares and if I have 49 percent then between us we can have the majority. My GF suggested that this is how to get around the 49/51 split. I am looking at a place up-country in the GF’s village, and she says that her parents know the lawyer and the local authorities and it will all go smoothly. Does all this sound OK to you, Hillary?



Dear James,

On one side is the newbie and on the other are the GF, the GF’s parents, the GF’s village and the lawyer and local authorities. You are running head first into a trap my Petal. Your 49 percent is nowhere near worthwhile against the other side which is stacked against you. Buy some running shoes, of which you can own 100 percent, and get out of there now.


Dear Hillary,

Money problems seem to be the story this week. A Skandi loses 787 million on BitCoin. How much money do you have rolling around without a home piggy bank to put it in? Relax, I can help you and lighten the load. Those thousand baht notes can get quite heavy. Especially when there’s a few hundred thousand up for grabs. A few hundred thousands has more buying power than the warm feelings that “love” will bring you. You want some wise words on how to live in Pattaya? No problem, just stay indoors, don’t answer the door bell, don’t drive your car (if the police don’t get you, then the motorcycles will) and don’t walk on the footpaths during the day, and finally don’t walk on the footpaths at night. Other than those small restrictions, Pattaya is still the freewheeling city it always was.



Dear George,

That’s not Soros is it? Sorry, my Petal, I don’t understand BitCoin or Block Chains or this strange thing called ‘Cryptocurrency’. I just wish I could find these hundreds of thousands of Thai Baht to stuff in the piggy bank, but being an Agony Aunt isn’t a money tree. Not even a sapling.


Dear Hillary,

I hear that one of your readers wants to apply the British Standard (BS) Duck Test to all women. “If a bird looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.” He must have really lost a lot to be so bitter. All women are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether. He should stop feeling sorry for himself and get out and enjoy the company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have to buy the entire library when you want to read a book.



Dear Jimbo,

Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in many countries all women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not a marriage agency. I have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if you are looking for a piece of cheese.


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

September 22, 2018 - September 28, 2018

September 15, 2018 - September 21, 2018

September 8, 2018 - September 14, 2018

September 1, 2018 - September 7, 2018