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Heart to Heart with Hillary


March 12, 2019 - March 21, 2019

Dear Hillary,

I have wondered what it must be like to wake every morning to a pile of complaints from (usually) the love-struck members of our community. When do you start? As soon as you wake up or after breakfast? I’m sure others would like an insight into the life of the Principal of Pattaya’s College of Disaster Management Every Friday (PPCDMEF).


Dear Jeremy,

I don’t really know what other Aunts do, but I start as soon as my eyes are open. Note I didn’t say what time my eyes open, as some days this can be quite late and depends on how many bottles of bubbly I have managed to swill. Four bottles in one day really isn’t really ‘drinking’. I was correct in calling it ‘swilling’. Unfortunately, the number of times I have four bottles in the fridge are few and far between. I get lots of promises, but not lots of bottles. I note you didn’t send any.


Dear Hillary,

My 12 year old daughter is starting to take an interest in boys. Is this dangerous or not?


Dear Grant,

What do you think I am? A child psychiatrist? A family psychologist? How can I possibly suggest anything for a 12 year old? That’s your problem, not mine. Get your wife to talk to her. It is normal for girls to show an interest in boys as they grow up.


Dear Hillary,

Every time my Thai GF goes up country to see her mother, the five days always turns out to be a week at least. There is always a ‘good’ reason for this. Like her dog got run over, or an uncle is sick. She even sent me a photo of a coffin to go along with the ailing uncle. Does this sound kosher, Hillary? Or should I worry?


Dear Bill,

How long has this been going on? Obviously she wants to be your GF, hence the excuses, but like you, I think she is hiding something. Do not use the services of a PI as they work with the person being spied on, sharing the money you pay as a fee. The best is to ask your maid. She will know if the GF has someone on the side, up in the village. Money better spent than on a PI, my Petal.


Dear Hillary,

I am trying to avoid the well documented pitfalls that you highlight in this column – and thank you for some good advice over the years. I will be coming over again this year, but I read somewhere that all Thai girls want is to get their hands in your pockets, and once they have cleaned you out, that’s it. “No Money, No Honey” as the T shirt says, but is this really true? I have met a few nice girls every time I’ve come over, and although I pay for everything when we’re out together, I think that’s natural. I pay for everything here at home when I take out a woman, so what’s the difference?

Confused Charlie

Dear Confused Charlie (as opposed to Cheap Charlie),

There will always be some payment down the line, Charlie. In the hard light of day, after the commerce of the previous evening, you have to remember that your young woman has been working. That is her job, and that is how she pays for her room, buys food and sends money back to the village so that her mother can look after her baby. Now, would you continue to work for a company that doesn’t pay you? You might even wear a T shirt which says “No Salary, No Slavery” or something similar, would you not? In reply to your questioning whether all Thai girls want to get their hands in your pockets, the answer is an emphatic No! But that is when you are talking about all Thai girls, and not just the Thai ladies of the night. The answer would be somewhat different then. Enjoy your time here, you sound like a gentleman.


Dear Hillary,

Can you help me please? I have found that Thai people all seem very direct and ask you personal questions all the time. Things like “How much money you make? You married? You got wife Thai? You want girlfriend? You want me to go with you? How much money you got?” Apart from the fact that this is considered a very rude way of starting a relationship in the US, I also find it very embarrassing when I am over here. How do I get these people to stop doing this? You seem to have the answers for everyone else, so I hope you have some for me too.


Dear Jim,

It is very easy to stop people asking you these direct, personal and embarrassing questions – stop frequenting the beer bars, Petal. These are stock bar stool questions that every new bar girl learns from a book, during her one week apprenticeship at Lucky Legs a Go-Go. Yes, there is a book that they learn from, and the same book also shows the begging letters to be sent after the customer goes back home. “I lub you too mut, teerak.”


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

- March 12, 2019 - March 21, 2019