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Update July, 2019

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Heart to Heart with Hillary


July 19, 2019 - July 25, 2019

Dear Hillary,

I’ve been reading you for some time and it seams (sic) to me that you’ve got a down on the bar girls. Why? They all speak English and know how to keep a bloke entertained. They’d make a much better wife than the stuck up society girls you are telling everyone to hook up with. Time for you to be a bit more real old gal and stop knocking the working girls. At least you don’t have to get permission from her parents to hold her hand!


Dear Pedro,

I think it is time you went through the back copies of this illustrious newspaper, my Petal, and see and note what I have really been saying. However, you are right, the bar girls do speak (some kind of) English, and so I suppose if you are looking for a long term relationship with a woman and you are happy with the in-depth conversations of “Hello sexy man,” and “Sit down please” and “Buy me cola”, then you are in paradise. This depends upon, of course, you having an endless supply of cola at home, plus some cheap Thai whiskey to go with it and a rather large always-full wallet. The “working girls” are just that – they are working and like all good workers deserve their hire. What is forgotten in that heady rush of blood to the brain is that you are doing exactly that – hiring. “Mia chow” (rented wife) expects a monthly salary for her. It is not the more commonly thought of “housekeeping” money. She will demand a salary, which is untouchable. Does this make them a “better wife” as you claim? Each to his own, I suppose, but long term liaisons with working girls do not have a good long term history, Pete.


Dear Hillary,

What’s the go with the bikini bar girls? I buy one a drink and she always has a friend who wants one too. Take one out of the bar and you are hers for eternity, and look behind you if you ever take another. The first one will be behind you with a sharp carving knife. I thought that was the job, where she looked after the customer. You keep on saying that’s how they make their money.


Dear Trev,

I’m not really sure what your point is here, my Petal. Do you want a companion or not? When you go to the ‘professional’ end of town, you should expect to pay. Since you are the supplier of the cash, they’re not going to let you go easily, but I think you’re a bit OTT with the carving knife. You are too intense. Relax a little and spread the money around.

Dear Hillary,

I get different answers to my problem depending on the different people I ask, so I hope you will excuse me for asking you too. This is the first time my husband and I have been posted overseas, and I am told we are expected to employ a maid. The HR people tell my husband that we should pay her “whatever you want”. I don’t want to offer something too low, but I don’t want to go over the top either.


Dear Angie,

A common question, Petal, especially with newbies. I do understand your problem. The basic wage in Thailand is B. 300 a day so that’s your starting point. Now multiply by many days a week does she work? Now come the add-ons or take offs if you like – does she sleep out, or do you have a dedicated maid’s room? Does she eat in or eat out? Does she do her laundry with your laundry? All these “savings” can be deducted from the basic daily rate then multiplied by the number of days. I know it is a rough guide, but it will get you somewhere in the ball park, and where you are happy with it.


Dear Hillary,

My friends who have been to Pattaya before tell me that you never lose your girl, you only lose your turn. I’m taking out a real stunner right now and she said she would wait for me, but there is money involved if she’s out of the bar and not earning. What do you think is a reasonable monthly amount that she can live on till I come back in three months?


Dear Rick,

I don’t know which shower you came down in, but you certainly have been hiding under a rock somewhere. Don’t you read my column with all the terrible stories of lads like you who find the “I’m back in the village” actually means “I’m at a new bar and please send the money soon because my brother broke his leg in a motorcycle accident.” If you have already donated to the leg fund, send the money to the buffalo fund. Please just go back to your home town and never come to Thailand again. Or listen to your friends, who have been listening to me.

July 12, 2019 - July 18, 2019

Dramatic art at the bar

Dear Hillary,

Every week there’s another farang that has been taken to the cleaners by one of the beautiful little schemers from their local hostelry. These girls must go to acting classes they are so good at it. Nobody could be so good at it without lessons! Even movie stars have acting lessons. Or do the lies come naturally. If so, how can any of us trust them? And how do you stop falling in love with them. Acting classes again?


Dear Roger,

Sounds to me that you are the first of this week’s tales of woe yourself. If you are referring to the bar girls, Petal, their job is to empty the punters wallets, as quickly as possible. Time is money, after all. Some of the older ones are very expert at this and can keep several men on the line for years in some cases. The younger ones are too urgent and just milk one customer at a time. Do they have training schools for dramatic art? Yes, they have training schools, this is as in on the job training. The younger ones watch the older and more experienced ladies of the night twist the drinkers around their little fingers and then take them away for intensive therapy, whereupon they return with an empty wallet and then re-appear and beg for more the next day. The lady can oblige by milking the cash machine after getting your PIN number. And so the money wheel is oiled and ready to roll again. I agree with you where you say “how do you stop falling in love with them?” It is difficult, but true and lasting love doesn’t happen with two nights at your bar local bar and bar maids. You have a better chance with mermaids.


Dial a Date?

Dear Hillary,

Do these dating services use photos of the real girls? I’ve replied to a couple which seemed to be in their late 50’s, not early 20’ as advertised. I’m not even sure if they were the ones I picked out. They all say they can speak English, but after “Hello” that’s about it.


Dear Gary,

What do you expect to find in a dating agency? If a girl is a raving beauty, do you think they have to join an agency? No, they will have been snapped up years ago. For that matter, do you think ladies under 40 are going to look for a partner through an agency? No, they will continue to look around to see what is available, but by the time they get to 50 they will have run out of available men so go to an agency, to look just for you. Oh, the photograph. Yes, they are photos of real girls, but about 30 years ago. And for that matter, if you are like Brad Pitt you wouldn’t be looking at agency ladies either.


Dowries for non-virgins

Dear Hillary,

I am being asked for a dowry for the girl who has been living with me for three months now. I enjoy having her around, and we went up to her home town to meet her folks. Her mother looks after her child from a previous marriage. Her father has a small rice farm. My girl is now saying that her parents expect us now to get married and we must go back to her village for the marriage, and that I am expected to pay the dowry for her as well as paying for the monks and the marriage ceremony and party. I asked her how much did they expect and she tells me around 200,000 baht will cover everything. Honestly Hillary, that is a lot of money, being a bit close to 4,000 pounds and the exchange rate is getting worse every day. I don’t know that I really want to go through this at that sort of money. I understand this may be the custom out here, but I want your opinion on it. I haven’t got anyone else I can ask to get some sensible advice.


Dear Will,

I am so tempted to reply “Where there’s a will, there’s a wont” but I didn’t. The idea of dowries is very old fashioned, going back several decades. It wasn’t money, but pigs, rice and buffalo. Dowries were worked out to reimburse the parents for the loss of a virgin daughter who worked on the family small-holding. In this case 200,000 baht is a nonsense, I’m afraid. She has been married before and has a dependent child which her mother looks after. Your blushing bride will be sending money to her mother each month to look after the child. Don’t get sucked in by all this, Petal. It is a con. The village “marriage” is not a legal entity either, even in Thailand. Run, and never go near that village again. Time to show your GF the door too, I’m afraid. And after three months co-habitation (big word for a Friday) you may need to give the lady a financial sweetener before she jumps of her boy friend’s motorcycle taxi.

Update July 5, 2019 - July 11, 2019

When is a GF not a maid?

Dear Hillary,

There’s a lot of blokes who write to you all worried about money that their GFs ask them for. What’s wrong with these blokes? If you don’t want to give them money, then don’t do it. If they leave then you know what it was they wanted above everything else, so why fret? Good riddance for bad rubbish I say.


Dear Harry,

You are a very romantic soul, aren’t you! You are not describing a girlfriend, you are describing a maid. Big difference. Maids will go to the highest bidder. Girlfriends are someone who contributes something to the relationship. You have got the two confused, Petal. Stick with your maid until a woman comes along who sets your heart on fire.


Stuck with a sideliner

Dear Hillary,

You have often mentioned “sideline” girls as if they are some sort of different species, so there’s bar girls, sideline girls and “good” girls. Correct? You will have to help me here, Hillary. How do I find the different ones? Or is there any real differences? There’s a big responsibility on you here, Hillary. Lots of men in Pattaya will be directing their future direction in life depending on your answer.


Dear Joe,

You men certainly make things difficult for yourselves, don’t you, my Petal. Why is it so important that you put your latest girlfriend into one of these three categories? Looks to me like finding witches in the middle ages. Dunk the poor woman in water and if she doesn’t drown then she’s a witch. If she does drown, it shows that she wasn’t a witch after all. But fat lot of good that did for the non-witch who was dead by then! However, to make it easier for you, here is the guaranteed Hillary’s Guide to Thai Girls. This guide should be understood before going into the next category up. Starting at the lower end – Bar Girls. Apply the British Standard Duck test here – if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it most probably is a duck. A bar girl will go to bed with you after you pay the bar fine (Mamasan will advise here). She will also want a plate of noodles that night and then scarper with the first chink of light (after the agreed fee for services rendered). Her main job is to work in the bar and get you to buy them copious drinks.

The sideliners are a little different. Their day job is to work in the shop and afterwards get you to take them to an expensive dinner in lieu of a bar fine. They will expect the equivalent of the bar girl’s fee in the morning for servicing and they too will scarper, as they have to get to the office/shop in the morning.

Now the “good girls”. Petal, you and your mates outside the 7-ELEVEn don’t need to worry about this category, unless your surname is “Na something” and you went to the best schools and your parents know her parents. Graduating from the 7-ELEVEn academy is not quite select enough, sorry.

So there you are, Petals. There’s only two categories available to you. Both of them will be economical with the truth and both will cost you money! Helpful hint – you can pick up and put down a bar girl at will. The sideliners tend to be more “clingy”. As we say here, “Up to you, Teerak.”


Can I believe her?

Dear Hillary,

I came to Thailand for a two week holiday and met a young girl, as you do. We got along well, so I paid for her company up till the day before I left. That was when she started ringing me up and asking to see me, saying she was in love with me. Even if she couldn’t be with me for my last night she wanted to come and see me before the taxi picked me up. I felt bad about this but all my mates told me to forget about her, but I kept on answering her calls, but the mates stopped me from giving in, but I still felt bad about it all. What do you think I should have done?


Dear Mike,

You forgot where you met this young lady who fell madly in love with you after 10 days. You paid for her company, my Petal. It was a business arrangement, not a matrimonial contract. By making you feel indebted to her, she was much more likely to extract even more money from you, which is why she wanted the face to face meeting, even on that last morning, you never know what you can get, even if it is just what is left in your wallet. You don’t say how old you are, but you are obviously a babe compared to the lady from the bar. What should you have done? Just what you did do, and that was to cut the relationship once the period of hire was completed. It was a short-time holiday romance, and a paid one at that. Next time you come over, you will hopefully be more mature, more wise and keep a tight hold on your wallet.


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

July 19, 2019 - July 25, 2019

July 12, 2019 - July 18, 2019

July 5, 2019 - July 11, 2019