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Update January 2019


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Update by Natrakorn Paewsoongnern
 
 
 

Heart to Heart with Hillary

 

January 12, 2019 - January 18, 2019

Ed’s note: Hillary has been feeling a bit flush this week, no doubt from the holiday cheer, so we’ve reached back into our wayback machine and pulled up an oldie but goodie for you to enjoy.

 

Dear Hillary,

Greetings! Ever since I laid my foot to Pattaya 5 or 6 years ago, I have been an avid reader of your column. I’m an Asian foreigner contract worker in Pattaya then, but when my contract ended and moved to another country I kept the paper’s website and kept myself updated from your column. Over the years of reading your columns, it still humored and amazes me of the different stories and revelations. But above all, as most of the stories I read are the few men who were able to find their partners and knowing Thai women, well the relationship was a happy ending after all! The thought crossed my mind of going back to Pattaya, this time not for work but for a partner... It sounds ridiculous, but I’m not getting any younger and the fact that I’m a woman! Well Ms. Hillary, I bet this is the most unusual letter you’ll ever read, cause this time it’s a woman’s search for a partner... wish me luck Ms. Hillary!

Lost Angel

 

Dear Lost Angel,

I’m sorry to disappoint you Ms. Lost Angel, yours is not the most unusual letter I’ve ever read, but back to your situation. You need a partner, and I can assure you that you will never be lonely in Pattaya, no matter what your needs in a partner entails - and you haven’t really told me much about that, have you? However, the simple fact remains for all people who come to Thailand looking for partners, if you choose from the commercial end of available partners, you will get what you pay for. A ‘mia chow’ or ‘rented wife’. “Love”, devotion, commitment are qualities you generally won’t find there. As in any relationship (m-f, m-m, f-f) go slowly, Petal. Go slowly! It is a dangerous battleground you are traversing.

 

Dear Hillary,

I had no idea my letter would post so soon or even at all. Just to follow up we made it to Bangkok, spent a few days with my wife’s family and within 3 days we moved into a condo here in Pattaya. All is well. While advice is your job, I’d like to say to your readers who have suffered in every imaginable way, a farang can never know everything Thai. Those who for whatever reason refuse to use common sense, and allow a certain body part to dictate their lives assures you will always have material.

Take Care,

Les and Lawan

 

Dear Les and Lawan,

Thank you again, and I do take care! That is certainly timely (and timeless) advice for those who read this column. Unfortunately “common sense” is an oxymoron, as it isn’t too “common”, is it? I’ll leave it to the gents loaded with Vitamin V to work out just to which “certain body part” you are referring! Enjoy your new condo.

 

Dear Hillary,

I was drinking with my mates the other morning and a Thai friend suggested that I needed a tattoo to look more manly. Well, at 4 in the a.m. you’re not at your best so I went with him for the tat. I told him I wanted a heart with “I love MOM”. I got the tattoo finished and woke up and went home. When I awoke I admired my new tat in the mirror and was shocked to find “I love WOW” on my arm. I showed it to my ‘friend’ Nok at the bar and she is very mad at me and wants to know who “Wow” is. She is looking for her. I think the answer is to change the name of Pattaya, which no one can pronounce, to WOW City. It is more descriptive and would get me out of trouble.

Singha Jerry

 

Dear Singha Jerry,

“Get you out of trouble”? Impossible, my sweet potato. Trouble is your middle name, and always has been. I will get one of the girls to tell your friend Nok that there is a Wow who has a bar in Jomtien. She should take along a video camera, the meeting could be interesting. You were certainly very lucky to find a friendly tattoo artist at 4 a.m., and ones that administer general anesthetics are even more rare. Or did you use several gallons of Singha beer as the anesthetic? Or was that as the alcohol swab to clean the skin before the ink was applied?

 

Dear Hillary,

Just a quickie. I want to send a girl I met last time I was up on holidays some money for her birthday just before Xmas later this year, but I’ve been told that it’s not too safe sending money by post. As I won’t be back in Thailand till around March/April next year, it is a bit late to bring it over myself. What’s your suggestion? The safer the better.

Jack

 

Dear Jack,

That is nice of you, but your little lady friend will soon tell you the best way, if you haven’t worked it out before Santa comes down the chimney. You don’t post it, you transfer it to her bank account, and she will have one, believe me! Posting is a no-no!


December 15, 2018 - December 21, 2018

Dear Hillary,

I read in a Thai website that all that Thai women are interested in is money, money, money. Is this really the case? I am in a long time relationship with a Thai woman, but she is a lot younger than me. Is she interested in me, or money? If it’s money she hides it pretty well. Who should I believe?

Jim

 

Dear Jim,

No, my Petal, Thai women are not just interested in money. For example, I am also interested in Belgian chocolates and French champagne. Women, and not just Thai women, are interested in finding a mate who can support them and their children (and the family in Thailand), and that includes financial as well as physical support. Why should any woman be interested in marrying a pauper? Would you? There are not too many couples you could call Romeo and Juliette in the world, but there are thousands of successful marriages, which exist for the mutual benefit of both parties. I am not saying that ‘romance’ is dead, but likewise a union based on an unreal expectation is also headed for the scrap heap. If you and your lady are happy as you are, with the money you have or haven’t got, then just enjoy life and don’t spend time worrying about what other people write into websites.

 

Hi Hillary,

I don’t have a relationship problem, I have a wardrobe problem. I’m a very happy single man, I’m well off, get my pick of the ladies any time I want, so why am I writing to you? My only problem is that after a couple of nights, the ladies all want to move in with me. Some of them bring over not just a change of clothes, but a whole wardrobe full. I have no intention of settling down - and why should I? Like I say, I get my pick, so why spoil it. You must have heard the saying ‘why buy a book when you can join a library?’

Larry the Librarian

 

Dear Larry,

You certainly have got tickets on yourself, haven’t you Petal. But I suppose you’ve got good reason to be as you are. I mean, just how lucky are you? You get to wake up with the most adorable man in the world, in your opinion - yourself. Time to change your name to Narcissus, though I would suggest you take all the mirrors down in your bathroom, or you might find yourself falling in love just like the long departed Narcissus. Poor Narcissus saw his reflection and fell in love with it, and could not be away from it, and pined to death looking into the pool. Meanwhile the nymph Echo who fell in love with Narcissus also pined away, just like your ‘lucky’ ladies who try and leave their clothes in your wardrobe. However, I am certainly glad I haven’t been picked as this week’s ‘lucky winner’!

 

Dear Hillary,

After saving hard for the last three years, I have been on an extended holiday here in Thailand for the past six weeks. I have enjoyed your beautiful country very much, but I will be going back to my own country in two weeks time. What made it even better was I had a beautiful guide and non-complaining companion up-country girl who I found in a bar in Pattaya who has been with me for all that time. I know all the stuff about bar girls, but she has been constantly with me for the six weeks, and she has been great. I have looked after her well in return including a weekly allowance of 15,000 baht for her to spend on anything she wants. I don’t ask. It’s hers for services rendered, if you know what I mean. I would like to give her something when I leave for her to remember me by, and can you suggest something that she will like. Please keep the suggestions within a reasonable budget. I am not a Cheap Charlie but it is the end of my holidays.

Jason

 

Dear Jason,

What do you really expect me to say, my Petal? Are you mad? Or have you been drinking too much local brew? You want her to remember you, so why not buy her a house, a car, a motorcycle and a year’s free veterinary treatment for the family buffalo? You’ll be able to get all that for under five million. And since you don’t want to appear as a Cheap Charlie, throw in a house for Mamma and Papa as well. That’s another 800,000 baht as houses are cheap up-country. Chris, come down from the clouds, you have had the services of what we call a ‘mia chow’ (rented wife) for the past six weeks, for which you have already paid 90,000 baht for the six weeks which is well above the going market price. She will remember you by whatever you have bought her until it has been converted into folding currency (“He was the nice farang man who bought me this gold chain which I am now taking to the pawn shop”). Enjoy what is left of your holiday and spend your money on yourself.


December 1, 2018 - December 7, 2018

Apparently Hillary ate too many chocolates this week and is feeling under the weather, so until she recovers we will repeat some of her old classics. We hope you enjoy this trip down memory lane.

 My Dear champagne addicted petal;

You are evidently not in the ‘in crowd’ of beer drinkers. Lotus, Big C, etc., charge more for cold beer and why spend perfectly good beer money getting there? As far as my spelling goes, I didn’t use my spell checker like you (you are not that intelligent dear) but was actually referring to my loves (sic) TWO BUFFALOES but did not indicate that. Check your spell checker and you will see that the plural for buffalo is not BUFFALOS; which probably means something weird in Spanish. See you at the AA when WE get sober. You first.

Singha Jerry

 

Dear Singha Jerry,

You take me to task for something you “did not indicate”. So I am a mind reader now as well as being the ear for the lamented and demented. Where did I mention two animals? I didn’t. Where did you mention two animals? You didn’t. You wrote about a singular buffalo, which has no “e” on the end. And if you wish to be totally correct, then it should be “my love’s” and not “my loves”, my pedantic Petal (the apostrophe indicating possession). And before you rush back into the 7-11 to grab another cheap tinny thinking you have something to celebrate, the plural of buffalo is also “buffalo” (Concise Oxford). And since you are obviously a Cheap Charlie, I won’t be getting drunk on your champagne, will I Jerry?

 

Dear Hillary,

A friend who has been to Thailand who put me on to your website. I have been reading your column on dating and have enjoyed it very much. As I am going to be there in September for the first time I am writing. It seems that everyone I ask (single men like myself) talk about being at the bars as the way to meet the working women of Thailand. While I realize this is not the only way I do have a question. If one is not a big drinker will I offend if I do not drink a lot or wish to leave to go see music, movies or see the country.

James

 

Dear James,

I can assure you that the ladies from the bars have not the slightest interest in how much ‘you’ drink, only in how much ‘they’ drink, while you are paying of course! This is because they receive a percentage of the cost of the ‘lady drinks’, while they get nothing from the price of your drinks. This is how they make money, as they are ‘working’ women, getting their monthly salaries in many ways. It works like this, since you have not been here before, Petal. They generally receive a small wage (or retainer), and then their lady drinks percentage plus a percentage of the so-called ‘bar fine’ which is what the punters (like you) pay for the honor and glory of taking one of the blushing young ladies away from the bar to see music, movies or the country. Anything else is a private arrangement between the lady and the customer, as you have to realize that there is no prostitution in Thailand, because the government said so. And the statute books have said so since about 1966. While you are paying for things, you will not offend, James.

 

Dear Hillary,

I met a Thai girl last year, since then I have been coming to Thailand every 3-4 months, to see her. We have exchanged the phone numbers and the e-mails and we have been in contact with each other all the time. However, I cannot seem to be able to explain to her the meaning of “about” or “around”. You see, she is always eager to know when I will be arriving to Thailand next time and when I reply to her “in about three months”, she takes it literally to be 90 days, because when I call her the next time - for instance in two weeks - she starts asking for my arrival date and when I reply to her in about three months, she gets upset as in her mind I have changed the date and should be arriving in two and a half months and not three. Hillary, please help me in finding correct words to convey her what I mean when I say “about”. I even tried “approximate” but that confused her even more.

Ali

 

Dear Ali,

I take it from your letter that English isn’t your mother tongue either, so you already know some of the problems your girlfriend is having in trying to communicate in another language. You have also found the answer yourself when you say in your letter that it could be 1-2 weeks postponed - in other words, you are saying that it will be in “about” one to two weeks. When you want to say you will be coming back in “about three months” then what you have to say is “coming back in 3-4 months” and your Thai girlfriend will know that this means “about”. Remember too, that one reason why she will want to tie down the dates is that she has to organize and arrange her life too, please don’t forget that.

   


HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]

January 12, 2019 - January 18, 2019

December 15, 2018 - December 21, 2018

December 1, 2018 - December 7, 2018