Heart to Heart
May 17, 2019 - May 23, 2019
to the rescue!
Why do some of your readers want to pick a fight with
you? You are doing your best and if they don’t like your advice they start
complaining. Don’t these people know this is an entertainment page? Even so,
your advice is pretty well on the mark.
Aren’t you just the sweetest man. But, Petal, I
don’t let silly people worry me, especially when I know there are readers
out there who understand what this column is about. These are readers with
real problems, looking for confidential advice. Then, of course there are
readers out there with a chilled bottle of bubbly wanting to send it to me.
Use the Pattaya Mail’s address. Thank you for your support.
Forgive or take a walk?
People forget when they are calling Thai women names,
that cheating happens all over the world, not just in Thailand. How many who
claim that they were cheated upon didn’t cheat themselves too? How does it
go about throwing the first stone? I reckon that if you get cheated on you
either forgive or take a walk. I did both – forgave her first time but she
did it again, so then I took a walk. Should have done it the first time, I
suppose, but we had been married for five years, and I thought everything
was OK. Lost a heap of money, but you can’t live with a cheater I reckon
these days. Should I try again with a new woman, Hillary?
You are still hurting, aren’t you. Are you sure you
didn’t throw the first stone? It does sound as if you have finally made up
your mind, so I hope it works out for you. You were obviously not happy
where you were, but take your time in finding another lady for your life.
They say a house is the most expensive thing you will ever buy in your
lifetime, but it isn’t – it’s a wife, Petal. Tread carefully.
A real loser
I’m at a loss here. My Thai GF loses things all the
time. Keys, camera, and mobile phone. If you can carry it, she can lose it.
If she goes out with her friends, you can be sure the next morning her phone
is missing. I have spent hours checking with her friends, looking for a
phone. She turns it off too, so you can’t ring her number. What is your
You should try and work out ‘why’ she loses things,
my Petal. Have you ever considered the fact that your girlfriend is losing
keys and telephones as a subconscious way of expressing her lack of
satisfaction with the relationship or simply as a device to annoy you? It is
very difficult, if not impossible to change someone else's behavior, unless
you change your own behavior first. I suggest you change the way you respond
to her. One quick fix is to either don’t let her see that it annoys you or
simply don’t speak to her for days every time she loses things. The best way
though is to “Give her the monkey and let her feed it.” This is a Thai
expression for allowing her to take the consequence of her own actions. It
Barefoot and pregnant
I think my steady GF will be moving in shortly, and
I’ve got no problems with that – other than the fact she can’t cook. You
see, Hillary, I can’t cook either. Burn water if I try to cook it! Is there
a cooking school round here anywhere that I could send her to?
Woman’s place is in the kitchen, barefoot and
pregnant? That’s the message you’re giving me. I’m so glad to see that
chauvinism isn’t dead. Look, Petal, there’s not much cooking required with
milk and breakfast cereal and all other meals are catered for by the food
carts at the street corner. Sounds to me like you are getting cold feet
worrying about warm evenings.
Here today but gone tomorrow
You are always saying that we should be looking for a
mate anywhere away from the bars, but what if we’re not looking for a mate
for the rest of our lives? I’m here for a couple of years at max, and I
don’t need a wife dragging round behind me all over the world, as I don’t
know where my next assignment might be. Nor do I need the additional expense
of a wife or even live-in GF. All I need is home comforts while I’m here in
Thailand, so surely the bar is the best place to find one? You have to
So you are looking for a ‘comfort woman’, that’s
fine, but, you have to understand that your lady who will supply those home
comforts also realizes that this is a short term relationship with no real
depth. That being the case, do not expect anything better than purchased
comforts, and there is no reason to be ‘true’ in such an arrangement. These
girls are very skillful at separating men from their money.
Update - Friday May 10, 2019 - May 16, 2019
As you are such a knowledgeable person,
could you please explain to me why Thai people always say things backward, for
instance Bank book is said a Book bank, woodworm is said as worm wood and many
others, also road marking for cyclist on the way to Silverlake are marked as
Lane bike, not Lane for bike or Bike lane. I know we all get a little tongue
tied, with or without a few bottles of bubbly.
Dear Ian UK,
It’s all in the adjectives, Petal. In
Thai the adjective follows the noun, while in Pasa Angkrit, the noun follows the
adjective. If asked for a book, you know what it is – a book. “Bank” tells you
what kind of book, describing being adjectival. You have also complicated
matters even further. Riding a bicycle in the proper lane, what word do you come
to first? Bike or lane? You are riding in the lane bike, aren’t you? You are
also Ian (noun) from UK (adjectival), and not UK Ian. Simple.
I left my mobile at home when I went out to
play golf. Unfortunately my Thai GF read the messages and is playing no-speaky.
I am a little worried because I read in the Pattaya Mail of one annoyed
Thai woman who stabbed her husband to death a couple of weeks ago. Is there any
way to get the relationship back in order? We have two kids. I’ve counted the
kitchen knives so I know if she is keeping any hidden somewhere.
You have just started to understand that
a sweet little caring Thai girl can turn into an angry monster, especially if
the monster is the green eyed jealous one. This is a very difficult situation,
my Petal. You have two choices as far as I can see it. The first is to just
continue as you are, putting up with the silence and wait for the anger to
diffuse itself. This can take up to three months. The second is to call it quits
right now, explaining that in the western world, this situation has gone on too
long and you want her to forgive you and then you can go back to being a couple
again. Only you can decide which choice is for you. And how much you are
prepared to spend to get out of it.
Is this green-eyed monster week? My problem
is worse than George’s (see above). He is worried because she is not speaking to
him. Mine is the opposite who screams and shouts at top volume. The quiet little
lady has turned into a dangerous dervish. If it weren’t for the kids I would
have packed my bag and left, but I can’t leave them in her crazy clutches. What
is the next step?
Yes, you have a similar problem to
George, but the children of the marriage does make your situation totally
different. The next step is to settle everything with the kids, stay in touch
with them and have nothing further to do with your ex. Ideally they are with you
and she has access. Less than ideal for you is she becomes the custodial parent
and you have access. Time for you to consult a good lawyer and not Agony Aunts.
How do you know whether you are being
ripped off or not? With all documents being in Thai, and some of the local
customs and ways of doing things quite foreign to me, all I can go on is the
amounts paid to girlfriends by my pub mates. It began as a few hundred baht here
and there, no problems. However it has grown bigger and bigger and now it’s a
few thousand each time, and that is over and above the monthly salary.
You are in a difficult position here.
“Family” is important to a Thai and is one of the strongest bonds for the
individual. Family keeps them together, family gets them over problems of all
types, financial and otherwise. Your girlfriend may be returning money borrowed
from before – in that time in her life B.H. - before Harry. She may also be
helping her brother/mother/father/cousin (delete that which is not applicable)
out of a jam. And on the other hand, she may be gambling with it, another very
common Thai pastime. You really have to start communicating better with your
girlfriend, Petal. If you want to know where the money goes, ask her. If it ends
up in sulkiness or accusations, then it is time to review the entire
relationship. I also worry about relationships where the “girlfriend/wife” is
paid a “wage” each month. For what, Harry? For staying with you, putting up with
you, or what? We call that having a “mia chow” (rented wife), and a master and
servant relationship will always fail, in my experience.